Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free lessons or what?

The Latest in Local Drama: Thomas Crown School Leaves Mr. Rockford on Read Amid Free Lesson Standoff

In what can only be described as the most passive-aggressive enrollment campaign in recent memory, the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary Etiquette has reportedly issued its final ultimatum to longtime holdout, Mr. Rockford. Sources close to the matter confirm that the prestigious institution—known for its fusion of ballet and high-society manners—has grown weary of the elusive gentleman’s indecision.

“Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary Etiquette. We aren’t going to call again!” an exasperated staff member was overheard declaring during what insiders claim was the “last, last courtesy call.” The school, which has allegedly offered Rockford multiple opportunities to claim a set of complimentary lessons, appears to have reached its breaking point. “Now you want these free lessons or what?” the representative added, their tone toeing the line between professionalism and sheer frustration.

Little is known about Mr. Rockford, whose reluctance to commit has become the talk of the local arts community. Some speculate he may be a former student with unfinished business, while others whisper that he’s simply a man unprepared to waltz into the world of pliés and proper tea service. The school’s patience, however, has evidently run out.

Intriguingly, the Thomas Crown School has built a reputation for exclusivity, with their free introductory lessons being a rare concession to attract new talent. For them to publicly—or at least vocally—withdraw the offer suggests a dramatic shift in strategy. “They don’t beg,” remarked local dance instructor Marianne DuBois. “If they’re chasing you, you’re special. But even diamonds lose their shine if left in the dust too long.”

As for Mr. Rockford, his next move remains a mystery. Will he finally answer the call (figuratively, since they’ve sworn off dialing him again)? Or will this standoff go down in history as the ultimate “what could have been” for the dance world? One thing’s for certain: the ball—or in this case, the ballet slipper—is firmly in his court.

The Thomas Crown School declined to comment further, but their message was clear: the invitation is on the table, but the clock is ticking. For everyone else? Well, there’s always next season’s enrollment.