Four hours to bury the cat? Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...

In a bizarre incident that has left residents of rural Oxfordshire scratching their heads, a local man claimed it took him four hours to bury his deceased cat—not due to the task’s physical demands, but because the supposedly lifeless feline refused to stay put.

According to sources, the unidentified 57-year-old widower, described as "eccentric but harmless" by neighbors, phoned the parish council in near hysteria, complaining that his cat, Mr. Jenkins, "just wouldn’t stay still, damn thing. Kept mucking about, 'owling like the blazes, as if it had one paw in the afterlife and another in my garden."

Eyewitnesses reported seeing the man engaged in what appeared to be a struggle with the soil, occasionally muttering, "Stay down, you little blighter!" while flinging dirt frantically. Once, he allegedly stumbled backward, shouting, "Not again!pikelets and gherkins, not again!"—a reference no one could explain.

"It was a scene straight out of Hamlet meets Monty Python," said one observer. "By the second hour, folks gathered with tea and biscuits. Some brought blankets. It got cold."

Finally, after the would-be burier fetched a wheelbarrow and what looked suspiciously like duct tape, Mr. Jenkins was at last laid to rest beneath a sandstone slab inscribed, Here lies Mr. Jenkins, who gave his life defending his dignity.

As the exhausted man trudged back inside, trousers around his ankles (another mystery), onlookers debated whether to offer condolences or a straitjacket. The council has since placed a bulk order for pet sedatives—presumably for the mourners.

APPENDIX: The cat was later exhumed by curious teenagers and found to be quite dead, though with suspiciously ambiguous grin lines around the mouth. Meanwhile, local graveyards have reported a sudden influx of requests for reinforced caskets. Some speculate Mr. Jenkins wasn’t the first to go kicking—and perhaps 'owling—into the night.

-end dispatch-