FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 Never goose a wolverine.

The small town of Havenwood, nestled deep in the Oregon Cascades, is reeling after a series of…incidents. What began as a local oddity – multiple reports of aggressively rearranged garden gnomes, mysteriously shredded mail, and a general air of prickly unease – has quickly escalated into a full-blown, claw-marked crisis. At the heart of it, seemingly, lies a fundamental misunderstanding of wildlife etiquette, specifically, a blatant disregard for what locals are now referring to as “Fortune’s Rule #2: Never goose a wolverine.”

The rule, obscurely referenced in a faded pamphlet discovered in the attic of the Havenwood Historical Society, attributed to one Old Man Tiber Fortune, a prospector who allegedly struck it rich and then promptly vanished into the wilderness in the 1890s, has become the unlikely guiding principle for navigating the current chaos. No one, prior to this week, had ever needed to know not to “goose a wolverine.”

“Honestly, I thought it was a joke,” admitted Sheriff Brody Alder, looking exhausted and sporting a bandage wrapped around his forearm. “A really weird, old-timey joke. I mean, who even thinks to goose a wolverine? But then Mr. Henderson, bless his heart, decided to test the theory…”

Mr. Henderson, a retired accountant named Arthur, has become something of an accidental folk hero, albeit one currently hiding in his fortified pantry. Henderson, spurred by a combination of boredom, a glass (or three) of single malt, and a deep-seated belief that wildlife generally enjoyed a good poke, attempted to “gently encourage” a wolverine he’d spotted near his bird feeder with a long-handled grabber tool.

“I just thought it looked a little glum,” Henderson explained, speaking through a slightly cracked window. “It was raining. Figured a little poke would cheer it up. It did not, apparently, appreciate my efforts.”

The aftermath, according to eyewitnesses, was swift and decisive. The wolverine, later identified as a particularly large male nicknamed “Barnaby” by local trail hikers, responded with a fury previously unseen in Havenwood. Not content to simply defend itself, Barnaby embarked on a campaign of what can only be described as targeted property damage, focusing primarily on anything connected to Henderson.

The initial damage was limited to Henderson’s garden, which now resembles a post-apocalyptic landscape of overturned planters and shredded rose bushes. However, Barnaby’s vendetta quickly expanded to include Henderson’s prize-winning pumpkin collection, a meticulously crafted miniature train set, and, inexplicably, the inflatable Santa Claus that Henderson kept on his roof year-round.

Then things got…creative. Barnaby, displaying an uncanny intelligence and an impressively strong grip, began dismantling the local hardware store’s display of garden gnomes, relocating them to Henderson’s front lawn in increasingly provocative arrangements. He’s since moved on to rearranging patio furniture into elaborate, abstract sculptures, and, most disturbingly, replacing the heads on all the town’s historical statues with gourds.

Animal control experts, brought in from Portland, have declared Barnaby a “highly motivated and remarkably resourceful creature,” and have advised against direct confrontation. “Trying to capture him would be…ill-advised,” explained Dr. Evelyn Reed, a wildlife biologist specializing in mustelids. “He's clearly established a behavioral pattern, and attempting to interrupt that pattern now, especially after such a…stimulating experience…could lead to unpredictable consequences.”

The town is now operating under a self-imposed curfew, and residents are being urged to secure all potential “goosing implements,” including rakes, pool noodles, and long-handled shoehorns. Local businesses are selling out of reinforced fencing and gourd-proof netting.

Sheriff Alder, still nursing his arm – sustained while attempting to retrieve a gnome from Henderson’s roof – is pleading with the public. “Please, for the love of all that is holy, just leave the wolverines alone. And for goodness sake, do not attempt to ‘cheer them up.’ Old Man Fortune knew what he was talking about. Fortune’s Rule #2 is now the law of Havenwood.”

The pamphlet containing Fortune’s Rules, now the most sought-after document in town, also includes nuggets of wisdom such as “Never trust a badger wearing a hat,” and “Always compliment a skunk’s stripe,” but it is “Never goose a wolverine” that has become the creed of a community learning a harsh lesson in respecting the boundaries of the wild. As Barnaby continues his reign of gourd-based terror, Havenwood residents can only hope his anger subsides, and perhaps, learn a little something from the elusive Old Man Fortune.