Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.

Following a decade-long research initiative that some are calling "one of science's bleakest endeavors," the Iridonia Institute of Biological Metrics released staggering findings today: laboratory validation confirms that death exhibits a 99% fatality rate among rodent test subjects.

The study, published in the controversial but peer-reviewed Journal of Terminal Outcomes, meticulously documented the mortality trajectories of over 5 million laboratory rats subjected to "terminal endpoints." Researchers employed state-of-the-art pulse monitoring, neural activity scans, and rigorous post-mortem examinations across countless controlled cohorts. The results were depressingly consistent.

"We understood going in that survival was unlikely once cessation of vital signs was confirmed," stated Dr. Evelyn Vance, lead researcher, holding back what might have been a weary sigh during the press conference. "But scientific rigor demands precision. What we've empirically demonstrated – with an unprecedented 99% confidence interval – is that when a laboratory rat dies in our controlled environment, its prognosis transitions to 'essentially hopeless' in 99% of observed instances. That missing 1%, while statistically significant, likely represents minor measurement anomalies or the briefest flickers of residual cellular activity. It's emphatically not recovery."

The $32 billion federally funded "Rigor Mortis Established" project wasn't without its critics. Ethicists questioned the necessity of confirming such a universally held assumption. "We have centuries of anecdotal evidence confirming mortality, not just in rats, but in virtually every complex organism," argued Professor Aris Thorne of the Center for Bioethics. "Spending decades and vast resources proving the near-absolute lethality of death in rats borders on the nihilistically absurd. It feels less like discovery and more like… documentation of the inevitable."

Dr. Vance defended the research, arguing its foundational importance. "Prior assumptions rested heavily on… well, assumptions! Our data provides the bedrock quantitative evidence. This 99% fatality baseline is crucial. Without this rigorous quantification, how can we accurately measure the relative efficacy of future life-prolonging interventions? Now, if a new therapy shifts survival post-terminal event from 0.01% to 0.03%, that's a verifiable 200% improvement rate. Context is everything." She also noted that the findings may have broader implications for actuarial tables, though rat-to-human extrapolation models remain preliminary.

Statistics experts acknowledged the technical correctness while raising eyebrows at the framing. "Technically, proving it's not quite 100% is a finding," conceded data analyst Marcus Lee. "It honors scientific honesty about uncertainty margins. But labeling that as '99% fatal' for public consumption skews perception. It sounds like there's a flicker of hope. In practical terms, for the rat lying stiff on the lab table? It's game over. Every time. The 1% is noise."

Public reaction has been understandably morbidly amused and perplexed. "So, they're saying… almost all dead rats stay dead?" chuckled one commenter online. "Groundbreaking." Animal rights groups expressed renewed dismay at the scale of animal sacrifice required to statistically confirm such an obvious outcome. Politicians are expected to debate the future of Institute funding, with some arguing the money could have fed starving humans instead of proving that dead rats are, overwhelmingly, quite dead.

Despite the controversy and dark humor, the Iridonia Institute stands by its data. The final line of their report encapsulates the grim certainty: "Subject termination protocol, when successfully completed, results in a terminal state conferring approximately 99% probability of irreversible cessation of biological function in Rattus norvegicus. Survival probability beyond validated somatic death remains statistically negligible." For the rats in question, it seems, the struggle is conclusively finished 99% of the time.