A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife.

Here's a long news article based on that premise, aiming for a realistic and slightly quirky journalistic tone:

The ongoing marital stalemate between local accountant, Arthur Penhaligon, and his wife, Brenda, has taken a decidedly unusual turn. While many couples facing similar difficulties opt for the legal route – divorce proceedings, settlements, and all the attendant drama – Penhaligon has reportedly stated his unwavering intention to remain married, citing a profound and almost visceral aversion to the legal profession.

Sources close to Penhaligon, who wished to remain anonymous due to the delicate nature of the situation, confirmed the startling revelation. "It's…remarkable, really," one friend stated, requesting to be identified only as 'David.' "They’ve been bickering for years, a constant low-level hum of dissatisfaction. Their anniversary dinners have become exercises in passive aggression. He's mentioned, on multiple occasions, that he'd rather eat gravel than spend another weekend at Brenda’s sister's timeshare. But the idea of hiring a lawyer? He physically recoils."

The Penhaligon-Brenda situation isn’t a secret in their quiet suburban neighborhood of Oakhaven. Neighbors have reported frequent raised voices emanating from the Penhaligon residence, punctuated by the occasional slammed door. While speculation about the couple’s demise was rampant, the lack of any legal filings has fueled the mystery.

"I used to think they were just going through a phase," commented Martha Elmsworth, who lives across the street. "You know, the 'we need space' kind of thing. Now, I'm starting to wonder if they’re locked in some bizarre, unspoken agreement."

Penhaligon's dislike of lawyers isn’t a recent development. He reportedly once turned down a lucrative opportunity to join a prestigious law firm straight out of university, citing a "general unease" around courtrooms and contracts. This predisposition, it appears, has deepened over the years, fueled by increasingly negative interactions with legal professionals.

"He had a bad experience with a contractor a few years back," explained David. "The contractor was terrible, and Arthur tried to handle the dispute himself. He ended up consulting with a lawyer just to understand his rights, and he says the lawyer tried to string him along, charging exorbitant fees for negligible progress. He’s been wary ever since."

This aversion has become a significant factor in the couple's marital struggles. Brenda, reportedly, has suggested seeking professional mediation or even divorce, but Penhaligon’s refusal has consistently blocked these avenues. He's been known to deflect discussions of legal separation by launching into lengthy monologues about lawyer ethics and the adversarial nature of the legal system.

“He genuinely believes lawyers thrive on conflict,” said another close acquaintance, Sarah Miller. “He says they 'manufacture arguments' and 'prey on vulnerability.' It’s a bit extreme, but you can see where it comes from. He’s a numbers guy, a creature of logic and precision. The ambiguity and theatrics of a courtroom just seem to grate on him."

Legal experts weighed in on the unusual circumstances. "It's certainly uncommon," said family law specialist, Eleanor Vance of Vance & Associates. "Most people, even those who have had negative experiences with lawyers, understand that divorce is a legally binding process and that professional assistance is often necessary to protect their interests. To forgo that entirely based on a dislike of the profession is... unconventional, to say the least."

Vance cautioned that Penhaligon's decision could potentially have significant long-term financial and legal consequences, particularly concerning assets and retirement funds. "While he may be avoiding lawyers now, he could find himself in a far more precarious position down the line if he doesn't address the underlying issues in his marriage or legally protect himself."

For now, the Penhaligons remain married, navigating their complicated relationship without the intervention of the courts. Neighbors anticipate continued tension, while friends express concern for both parties. As David put it, “It’s a strange situation. You feel bad for both of them. You almost wish he’d just hire a lawyer and get it over with, if only to stop the quiet suffering.” The longevity of this lawyer-less union, and the state of the Penhaligon’s marriage, remains, much like Arthur’s feelings on the matter, a perplexing mystery.